Magnum One/Magnum One (Mid-American Digital) (Disc Manufacturing).iso/d13/_1_jokes.arc/JJJ

Text File | 1990-12-09 | 50KB | 1,373 lines

    Mary had a little sheep,
    with this sheep she went to sleep,
    then she found it was a ram,
    Mary had a little lamb.



Once upon a time there was a cruise ship sailing.  On board, a magician was
giving a show to some passengers.  The magician ALWAYS had a parrot on his
shoulder.  Whenever the magician told a joke, the parrot would give it away.
One time the magician had a knife, he spun it around it dissappeared!  The
parrot said "It's in his pocket, it's in his pocket".  The crowd booed him
because the parrot gave it away.  The next trick he did, he waved a wand
around and it vanished.  Again, the parrot said, "It's up his sleeve!  It's up
his sleeve!"  The magician got mad because he couldn't keep any of his tricks
secret.  The parrot kept giving them away.
One day the cruise ship sank.  The magician and the parrot managed to make it
to an island where they stayed for about 3 months when the parrot, all of a
sudden, burst out and asked:  "Ok, I give up!  Where'd you hide the ship?"



I used to make capacitors, but was discharged.
I used to work in a cardboard factory, but felt too boxed in.



One day some scientists heard about a remote Island where there were Porpoises
that lived forever!  So off they went to check it out.Upon arriving at the
Island they discovered that there was also a huge colony of Mina Birds
present.  And, after further research,they found that the mina birds were the
porpoise's main diet!  Reasoning that somehow this was the reason for the
porpoises immortality, they decided to capure some of the mina birds for
further study.  Enter the dilemma!--a huge and ferocous lion!  Whenever the
scientists came close to capturing a mina bird, the lion would appear and ruin
everything!  So the scientists made a plan!  They dug a deep pit,put some meat
laced with a powerful sedative into it,covered the pit's opening with leaves
and grass and waited.  Soon the lion came round, smelled the meat, fell into
the pit, ate the meat, and fell fast asleep!  The scientists grabbed as many
mina birds as they could carry, raced across the pit, and were promptly
arrested!  Why?

     Transporting minas across sedated lions for immortal porpoises!



A man was walking down the street dragging his left foot behind him.  Coming
in the opposite direction he saw a man walking toward him who also was
dragging one of his feet behind him as he walked.  As the two men met, the
first one say,  Vietnam, 1969.  The second one said, Dog shit...a half block
behind me.



A Pollack was in the tailor shop lookin at his new suit in a three-way
mirror.  The tailor said.."Well, what do you think of it?"  "Great, the
Pollack said,  I'll take all three of them."



I had a job lined up as a chimney sweep, but it fell through.

I was supposed to work in the blood lab, but they told me I wasn't the right
type for the job.

Then the offer I had to work for RJ Reynolds went up in smoke.

I was a trapeze artist for a while, but then I was let go.

I applied for a job as a telemarketer but didn't get the call.

She wanted to work as a hooker, but she didn't have it in her.



What do you call an Italian suppository?

an Inuendo



What do you call an Italian astronaut?

a specimen



Mary Mary quite contrarie,
trim the pussy it's too damn Hairy.


Jack and jill went up the hill,
both with a buck and a quarter.
Jill came down with $2.50


Georgie Pourgie pudding and pie,
jacked off in his girlfriend's eye.
When her eye was dry and shut,
Georgie fucked that one-eye'd slut.


Mary had a little lamb,
she kept in her backyard.
Every time mary bent over,
His wooly dick got hard.



Joe goes into a bar with a look of total dissapointment:

 Joe:"Gimme a double scotch."

 bartender:"Something wrong, Joe?"

      Joe:"Yeah, it's my son.....he's a faggot."

The next day Joe goes back to the bar with the same look:

      Joe:"Gimme a double scotch."

bartender:"What's wrong now, Joe?"

      Joe:"It's my other son.....he's a faggot too!"

The next day Joe goes back again with the same look:

      Joe:"Gimme a double scotch."

bartender:"Joe, doesn't anybody in your family eat pussy?!"

      Joe:"Yeah.........my wife."



Q. What do you get when you cross a Jehovah Witness with a Biker?

A.  Someone that bangs on your door on a Sunday morning and tells YOU to
fuck  off!



A New Yorker went to see his doctor for check-up.  The doctor looked him over
and ran some blood test.  The doctor tells him that everything looks good as
far as he can tell.  As for the blood test, go out to the beach and the
results will show up in about a week.



My girlfriend and I tried a new restaurant too.  They printed the check on a
condom.  That way, you could wine and dine your date, then stick her with the
bill.



 Latest Country Single:  If today was a fish, I'd throw it back.



Three South Africans, two whites and a black, had just recieved their
sentences and were enroute to prison.  They rode in silence for a while until
finaly one white addressed the other: "What did you do and what did you get?"

The second white answered: "Killed a black man, got sentenced to 2 years, but
considering the circumstances,  I'll be out in a year.  How about you?"

The first white responded: " Killed a family of blacks, got sentenced to five
years, but considering the circumstances, I'll be out in about 2 years"

They rode in silence until finaly one white turned to the black and said "What
did you do and what did you get?" The black replied "I rode my bicycle without
a headlight, got sentenced to 30 years, but considering it was daylight, I
hope to be out in 15 years."



Three women were walking down the shore one day, when they spotted what
appeared to be a magic lamp.  So they rubbed it and sure enough, a genie came
out.  The genie said that he would grant each of them one wish.  The first
lady said she wanted to be the smartest woman in the world, so he made her the
smartest woman.

The second said she wanted to be twice as smart as the first lady, so he
made her twice as smart.

The third said she wanted to be 10 times smarter than the first two, so he
turned her into a Man.



Aside from that Mrs. Lincoln, how was the show?


Aside from that Mrs. Kennedy, how was the parade?



 1)  When Jim Morrison sings, I get Door-gasms.
 2)  I love abusing the down-trodden.  It gives me poor-gasms.
 3)  Thinking about Burt Reynold's ex-lovers gives me Dinah Shore-gasms.
 4)  Listening to Satanic Heavy Metal gives me Tipper Gore-gasms.
 5)  Star Trek, The Next Generation gives me Geordi LaForge-gasms.  (ehhh)
 6)  Bob Hope/Bing Crosby movies give me Road to Bora-Bora-gasms.
 7)  Japanese war movies give me Tora Tora Tora-gasms.  (ehhh)
 8)  Jacques Cousteau documentaries give me explore-gasms.
 9)  Anything with Kim Basinger gives me adore-gasms.
 10) Professional golf on TV gives me fore-gasms.  Or bore-gasms



Old Chief Gnarled Oak, turned into a millionaire by the discovery of oil on
his reservation, was proud and pleased when his two boys were accepted into a
swank yacht club.  For years, it seemed, his one consuming ambition was to see
his red sons in the sail set.



A Pollack was in the tailor shop lookin at his new suit in a three-way
mirror.  The tailor said.."Well, what do you think of it?"

"Great, the Pollack said,  I'll take all three of them."



The famous Statesman, William Penn, had two old aunts named Natalie and Ellie
who were great at baking pies.  But, alas, they got greedy and raised the
prices up and up till all the people in Quakertown were talking about the pie
rates of Penn's aunts.



Two Polacks who went hunting together.  They bagged a moose and, being big
strapping fellows, tucked a hind leg each under an arm and began dragging the
moose back to their vehicle.  Another hunter came along and suggested that
dragging the moose by the hind legs created a lot of extra friction with the
hair digging into the ground.  He suggested they'd be better off dragging it
by the front legs and the hair would then slip over the ground more easily.
They took his advice and a few minutes later, one said to the other, "Dat guy
know what he was talkin' about.  Dis is a lot easier."  The other agreed and
said, "Only thing woriies me is, we're getting a hell of a long way from the
truck!"



When Mary Poppins grew too old for the nanny business, she moved out to  L.A.,
to open a fortune-telling shop and mouth-wash store.  She hung a sign out her
window upon opening, which said:

    "SUPER CALIFORNIA MYSTIC.  EXPERT: HALITOSIS"



The Travelling Salesman was weekending in a small town whose single industry
was the manufacture of coin operated machines.  It was very quiet on Saturday
night so he asked the desk clerk if there was anything going on in town. "No,"
replied the clerk, "but the factory has a demo room that's open all the time.
They have some new machines there and you can try them out."  The T/S went to
the factopry and found a number of interesting machines in operation.  One
large one had a small hole in the front of it and was labled, "YOUR WIFE AWAY
FROM HOME".  He thought this an excellent idea, so opened his fly, stuck his
member into the hole and inserted a dollar bill.  There was a noise inside the
machine and when he withdrew his member, there was a button sewn on the end of
it!



Bill who went to Hollywood to get a job in the movies.  Bill finally got his
big break and was chosen to play a part in a western.  When casting
interviewed him they asked "which part do you think you are best suited for?"

Bill replied "Just give me a small bit and a steer to star by!"



How do you sink a Polish ship?

Put it in water!



 What do you call an Italian astronaut?

 a specimen.



Scene -  a schoolroom in Italy.......

Teacher: Class, can anyone tell me where the Great Lakes are?  Luigi?

Luigi: Upper U.S. !

Teacher: Oh Luigi, I'm taking you to the principal's office.



 Knock, Knock.
 Who's there?
 Viaducts.
 Viaducts who?
 Viaducts valking on vebbed feet vhen zay could be svimming?

Did you hear about the computer salesman with two red ears who went to the
doctors office?  The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears.  "I was
ironing a shirt and the phone rang," answered the salesman. "But instead of
picking up the phone I picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."  "Damn,"
the doctor exclaimed in disbelief.  "But then, what happened to your other
ear?"  The salesman replied, "Whoever it was called back."



Two ferocious cannibal chiefs sat licking their fingers after a large meal.
"Your wife makes a delicious roast,"one chief said.  "Thanks," his friend
said."I'm gonna miss her."



Two guys wandered into a bar. One of the men shouted to the barkeeper,"Hiya
Mike.  Set 'em up for me and my pal here."  Then he turned to his slightly dim
partner and boasted, "This is a great bar.  For every two drinks you buy, the
house gives you one.  And the pinball machines in the back are free!"  "That's
not so great,"responded the friend.  "There's a bar across town that'll match
you drink for drink, and you can get laid in the back for free."  "Where is
this place?" the first guy exclaimed. "Oh, I don't know," the dim fellow
replied, "but my wife goes there all the time."



                      TODAYS HEADLINES

        25 killed in 25 gun salute...
        Off-duty policeman killed by on-duty criminal...
        Pen-pal stabs pal with pen...
        Welcome wagon runs over newcomer...
        Jacques Cousteay drowns in bathtub accident...



In an interview with Elvis Presley shortly before his death, one reporter
asked him "What do you think of this nickname 'Elvis The Pelvis' that some
people call you?"  Elvis replied, "Well, it dosen't bother me as much as it
bothers my brother Enis."



The automobile as we know it is in BIG TROUBLE...

1. Engineers want to do away with the steering column.

2. The E. P. A. want's to do away with the engine.

3. Planned parenthood want's to do away with the back seat!


There once was a lady named Alice,
who used dynamite for a phallus.
They found her vagina,
in North Carolina,
and her asshole at Buckingham Palace!!!



A man walks into a brothel and asks for six young women for the evening.  In
the morning the patron is told that that evening's entertainment was on the
house.  He leaves.

Several days later, the same man comes back and requests the same women, for
the same acts.  In the morning, however, he is presented with a bill for
$700.  The man asks, "Why was it free the other day, but $700 this time?"
"That's easy," the madam said, "Tuesday's we're on cable."



A man went to the US Postal Service, and applied for a job.

"Just a few more questions," said the interviewer.  "Are you a veteran?"

"Yes, sir, I am."

"Did you see action?"

"Yes, sir. In Vietnam."

"Were you ever wounded?"

"Yes, sir, I got my testicles shot off."

"Oh, in that case," said the interviewer, "there's no need to go on.  You've
got the job.  We start here at eight o'clock, but you can come in at ten."

"If everyone else comes in at eight, why should I come in at ten?"

"Because we stand around and scratch our balls for two hours."



An Indian walks into a drug store.  "Me wantum rubber."  The clerk takes out
the cheapest rubber he has and sells it to him.  The next day the Indian comes
back and says "No good!"  The clerk asked him what happened.  TheIndian
replies "Left one go humf, right one go humf rubber go blammo!"  The clerk
apologizes and sells him a better brand of condom.  The next day the Indian is
back again.  Same thing "No good!"  Again he says "Left one go humf, right one
go humf, rubber go blammo!"  The clerk apologizes a great deal and tells him
that this rubber is the best one they have.  However the next day the Indian
is back again, this time limping.  "What happened?" asked the clerk.  The
Indian explained.  "Left one go humf, center one go humf, right one go
blammo!"



There was this kid with a vile of Laquor thinner, and he was shaking it and
watching the bubbles, and shaking it and watching the bubbles, and along comes
this preacher and asked the kid what he had there.  The kid says; this here is
The Most Powerful Liquid in The World.  The preacher said Oh no, Holy Water is
the most powerful liquid in the world, take a few drops of Holy Water and rub
them on a pregnant womans belly and she will pass a baby.  The kid says; Shit
that ain`t nothing, take a few drops of this and rub them on a cats ass and
he`ll pass a motorcycle!



There was this guy who was shipwrecked on a deserted island, the only other
living things beside him were a dog and a sheep.  After a couple of weeks, the
guy starts to get pretty horny and the sheep starts to look pretty good so he
tries to "make it" with the sheep.  However, every time the dog sees him doing
this, the dog leaps up and knocks the guy over.  Finally he gives up.  About
another week later, this beautiful blonde girl washes ashore unconscious.  He
nurses her back to life and upon realizing what the man had done for her, she
tells him that she'll do ANYTHING for him to pay him back. The guy thinks for
a minute and says "Yeah, could you take the dog
for a walk?"



Hollywood, is the only place, where they take you at face-lifted value.



Half of all high-school students have trouble with basic math.

That means, that out of 14 million students..... uh ..... uh ...... ahhh



"Well how do you do Miss Della" said Liza to her friend who she hadn't seen
for months.  "What is you been doing wit yourself".

"Oh I on my way to de bank to meet John Brown.  You know he started as a
janitor 3 months ago and he has already been promoted to building custodian"
says Della.

"Fannntasstic!" says Liza.

"Oh and that not all, John says the president says if he keeps on doing good
he will be promoted to teller next month" rattles on Della.

"Fannntasstic! says Liza.

"And the best part" continues Della "is that John will be made an officer of
the bank in six more months if he keeps up the good work."

"Fannntasstic! say Liza.

"Well enough about me and John, what be you doing Liza" asked Della.

"I thought you would never ask", says Liza.  "But since you did, I have been
going to Charm school."

"What be they learn you in Charm school", asks Della?

"They teach us to sit with out legs crossed, and walk with a book on your head
and say FANNNTASSTIC instead of bullshit."




Jean Claude had just spent a four month hitch at sea and couldn't wait for his
ship to dock.  Now Jean Claude had off every evening but had to report back to
his ship each morning.  This was the first time his ship was to put in at
Mobile, Alabama and it would be there for 7 days.  Jean Claude couldn't wait
to hit the red light district.  As soon as he was given leave he hit land a
running.  When he opened the door at the first joint he couldn't believe his
eyes.  The place was fantastic, a beautiful blonde, booze, a hot tub and a
buffet.  Well Jean Claude came to a skidding halt and was turning to leave, he
knew this place was too rich for his pocket, when he was told that the fee was
$25.00 a night with the booze and food included.  Well, Sir, before anyone
could change their mind Jean Claude had done forked out $175.00
and done gotten a signed receipt for the whole week and was diving for the
blonde.

Night after night Jean Claude returned and was treated like a king.  Well on
the final night Jean Claude went charging up the steps and opened the door and
skid to a halt.  The room was bare except for an army cot and a beat up old
hag.

"What happed to the blonde, what happened to the booze, the food and the hot
tub", wailed Jean Claude.
.
"Sonny," said the old crone "It ain't every night that you can be on T.V.!"



It was time for the 2nd grade to discuss what their daddies did for a
living.   Miss Wilcox called on Annie, who stood up and said,

"My daddy's a fireman."

"Very good, Annie.  Jimmy, what tdoes your father do?"

"He's a policeman," said the little boy proudly.

"Thats a fine profession," said the teacher.  "How about your daddy Archie?"

"He eats light bulbs."

"What?!", blurted Miss Wilcox.  "Your father eats lightbulbs?"

"Yeah", said the snot-nosed kid defensively.

"Archie, whatever makes you think thats what he does?", asked the
teacher kindly.

"Well," Archie explained, "last night I was walking past my parents
bedroom, and I heard my dad say, 'Hey, baby, turn out the lights and I'll
eat it'"...



The nurse says to the doctor;

"Doctor, you have a thermometer behind your ear."

The doctor says;

"Shit, some asshole has my pen."



A father is teaching his stupid son to piss properly:

"Step 1: Unzip your pants.
"Step 2: Take out your wee-wee.
"Step 3: Pull back your foreskin.
"Step 4: Shake off the wee-wee.
"Step 5: Push back your foreskin.
"Spep 6: Put it back and zip up.

The next day the father gets a call from the boy's school.  "What's the
matter?" the father asks.  "Well, your son won't come out of the bathroom."
"What's he doing in there?"  demands the father.  "We don't know.  He just
keeps going, 'Three-five.  Three-five.'"



Fred traveled to an Arab country, and was walking around the open-air market
there.  He walked up to a vendor sitting on the ground and asked the man if he
knew what time it was.

"Of course!" responded the man.  He reached over to the camel standing beside
him, carefully lifted its testicles, moved them side to side,  seemed to think
a moment, then replied "It's 12:15."

"That's amazing!" thought Fred.  He went and found his friend.

"Joe, you gotta see this.  Come here!"  They went over to the vendor, and Fred
again asked what time it was.  Again, the man carefully lifted his camel's
testicles, moved them side to side, paused, then said "It's 12:18."  Fred and
Joe were impressed.

Fred said to the man, "I'll pay you $20.00 if you show me how you did that."

"Okay!" said the man.  Fred sat down next to him.  The man carefully lifted
the camel's balls, moved them to one side, looked underneath, and said,

"You see that clock over there...?"



The Lone Ranger and Tonto were riding along one very hot day and decided to
stop for a drink in a local saloon.  They were having their second beer when a
man came in through the swinging doors.  "Who owns this big white horse out
here?" he asked.

"That's Silver, my horse," responded the Lone Ranger.  "Why do you ask?"

"Well, it's an awfully hot day, and he looks like he's over-heating.  I think
you better do something about it."

"Tonto," said the Lone Ranger, "go outside and run in circles around Silver so
that the breeze will cool him off."

Tonto goes outside.  A few minutes later, another man came in through the
swinging doors.  "Who owns this big white horse out here?" he asked.

"That's my horse," said the Lone Ranger.  "Why?"

"Well," said the man, "I just wanted you to know you left your Injun running."



A garbage truck came careening around a corner just as a Chinese man stepped
off the curb.  The fish truck hit the man, killing him instantly.  In fact, it
squashed him flat.  The impact was so great that it knocked several things off
the truck.   Now, on the ground are a dead Chinaman, a shark, a crab, and a
lobster.  Which one doesn't belong, and why?

The shark, because all the rest are CRUSHED ASIANS.



 Kissed my gal, to get erected
 pitched my line and got rejected
 so here I sit, upon this seat
 smelling shit and beating meat



What is the definition of Irish foreplay?

"Brace yourself, Bridget!"


English foreplay:  "Excuse me, Daphne, but would you mind accompanying me into
the bedroom for a few moments?  I feel a stiffie coming on."


Black foreplay:  "Stay cool, bitch.  I gots a knife."


Polish foreplay:  A couple shouting "fuck you" at one another for an hour,
before deciding that oral sex isn't all it's cracked up to be.



 Spring has sprung,
 Fall has fell.
 It's Winter now,
 And cold as usual.



        20 TYPES OF PEOPLE YOU MIGHT MEET IN THE MEN'S ROOM!

1.  EXCITABLE: shorts half-twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts.

2.  SOCIABLE: joins friends in piss whether he has to or not.

3.  CROSSEYED: looks into next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.

4.  TIMID: cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal, comes back
    later.

5.  INDIFFERENT: all urinals being used, pisses in sink.

6.  CLEVER: no hands, fixes tie, looks around and usually  pisses on floor.

7.  WORRIED:  not sure of where he has  been lately, makes quick inspection.

8.  PLAYFUL: plays stream up, down and across urinals, tries to hit fly or
    bug.

9.  ABSENT-MINDED: opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses  in pants.

10. CHILDISH: pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble.

11. SNEAK: farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent,  knows man in
    next stall will get blamed.

12. PATIENT: stands very close for a long while waiting, reads with free hand.

13. DESPERATE: waits  in long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.

14. TOUGH: bangs dick on side of urinal to dry it.

15. EFFICIENT: waits until he has to shit, then does both.

16. FAT: backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses in shoe.

17. LITTLE: stands on box, falls in, drowns.

18. DRUNK: holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants.

19. DISGRUNTLED: stands for a while, gives up, walks away.

20. CONCEITED: holds two-inch dick like a baseball bat.



There are three really poor farmers, and they're brainstorming on how they can
make some money.  One got this idea to get a pig and stuff a cork up his ass.
They did this, and the pig gets huge.  The pig was winning contest after
contest, and now the farmers are rich beyond their wildest dreams.  After a
while it comes time for the pig to get slaughtered, but the pig was too big to
fit into any truck to haul it off.  After a while of thinking, one farmer
figures that the best way to get the pig smaller was to pull the cork out of
the pig's asshole and then, hoping that the pig would deflate enough to fit
into the truck.  But none of the farmers would reach into the pig's asshole to
uncork him.  So, they got a monkey and taught him to pull corks out of
bottles.  Once the monkey perfected this, they took the pig and the monkey out
into a field.  They line up about 500 bottles that lead to the pig. and then
they start the monkey on his way pulling corks out of the bottles.  While the
monkey was pulling corks, the farmers walked up a hill just over the other
side of the field to watch.  The monkey is down to the last few bottles and
then he pulls the cork out of the pig's asshole.  There is a great explosion
and  next we see the farmers are in the hosiptal.  Their doctor comes into the
first one's room who has one month to live.  He is moaning and crying about
the pain.  Then the doctor moves over to the next farmer.  This one has a week
to live and he's moaning and crying just like the first farmer about the pain.
Then the doctor moves to the third farmer's room who has only a few more days
to live and he's laughing and laughing. The doctor asks him why he's laughing,
and he says "Ohh.. you should have seen it... All I remember is that stupid
monkey trying to stick that cork back up the pig's ass!"



Years ago in  the then unsettled American colonies, a man was scouting the
country for a good place to live and raise a family.  Since he was traveling
alone, he had no sexual partners and asked a passing Indian what they did in
the same circumstances.

After a lot of hemming and hawing, the Indian explained that they screwed
female ducks and then to insure that no disease would be spread they put a
mark on them, so no one else would tuff them.  Well, to make a long story
short, he did it, and marked it.

The next time he saw the indian, the group he was with pointed at him and
laughed.  The guy got mad and asked why they were laughing. The indian told
him that they thought he was a faggot.  Aghast at the idea he asked the indian
why they thought that.

The Indian responded "You Mark Drake"



Beset by a compulsion for extramarital sex, the man caved in before the tears
and threats of his spouse and went to a psychiatrist for treatment.

"Say, Gus," a drinking buddy ventured one night, "is that shrink really
helping you?"

"I can't be sure yet," said Gus, "but I've got him cheating on his wife now!"



This guy walks into a bar.

Another guy walks into a bar.

A third guy was smart and ducked.



A mother is talking to a priest:
Priest: "Do you say your prayers every night?"
Mother: "I most certainly do!"
Priest: "That's good, and what do you say to God?"
Mother: "I pray, `Dear Lord, please let my little boy get to bed on time!'"

Jake and Sal decided to go fishing...  Sal went ahead to set up camp, only to
realize the rocky shores around the fishing hole would make it impossible to
maneuver their big boat into the water.  Hiking to the nearest town, he sends
his buddy a telegram instructing him to bring punts and a canoe instead.

Two days later, right on schedule, Jake arrived with two girls in tow.

"I don't know what a panoe was," he explained, "But I got the girls."




How can you tell if you have a blonde landscapper?

The bushes are darker then the rest of the yard!


Son: "Can I have $5 for a guinea pig?"
Dad: "Here's $10 son. Find yourself a nice Irish girl."



A policeman pulled over a hippie Hells Angel lowrider with a hot mama on the
back.  Caught 'em speedin.  He got the mama off the back and seperated her
from the biker.  The policeman started to ask her some questions.

"Lady," he asked, "Do you like to do all of those things he does?"

"I shore do!", the mama replied.

The copper asked, "Do you go to all of those steamy orgies, and have wild sex
with all the members like he does?"

"I shore as 'ell do!"

"Do you like to ride 100mph on his bike, like he does?"

"I shore do!"

"Have you ever been pulled over by the fuzz before?"

"No," said the hot mama, "but I've been slung around by the tits a few times!"



There was once this young man who lived out on a farm named Pete.  He had
never had a chance to go to town.  He went to his Pa and said "Pa, I'm old
enough now, I'd like to go to town."  The old man agreed. He told the boy, Son
if you are going to town you will need some money.  The crop was bad this year
and we are kind of short for cash.  Let me give you something to sell in town
for some money, and then you can have a good time.  The old man thought about
it, we need the cow, but we do have this DUCK we could live without.  So he
gave his son the DUCK and off to town the boy went.  As the boy approached the
edge of town he passed the house with a red light.  The young lady stop the
boy and called him inside.  The boy told her, Mama I don't have no money, I
just have this DUCK.  After some thought the young lady said; Since this is
your first time, I'll tell you what, I'll screw you for the DUCK.  Pete sat
the DUCK down in the corner, and hopped in bed.  Now this being Pete's first
time, drove this lady insane!  She thought she had seen God.  She kept saying,
"Oh God I'm coming!"  After Pete finished he got up and the lady asked for one
more round.  She told him, if you will go one more round I will give you back
the DUCK.  Pete agreed and they went one more round.  When Pete finished he
picked up his DUCK and walked out.  As Pete approached the street the DUCK got
scared at a oncoming truck.  The DUCK flew out of Pete's arms and ran out in
the street, and was run over by the truck.  The driver stopped and walked over
to Pete who was standing there ooking at his smashed DUCK in the road.  The
driver told Pete that he was so sorry, and gave Pete twenty dollars for the
DUCK.  Pete having enough excitement for one day returned to the farm.  Upon
his arrival Pa asked Pete how it went?   Pete told his Pa " GREAT ! "  I got
Fucked for a DUCK..... I Fucked for a DUCK ....and I got this twenty for a
Fucked up DUCK.


Hear about the sailor who couldn't spell?

He spent the night in a warehouse.



Q. How can you tell if a girl is wearing panty hose?
A. Her ankles swell when she farts!!!



Q. How do you quiet down a baby fag?

A. Shove a pacifier up his ass!!!



Q. Why are a woman's pussy and asshole so close together?

A. You can carry them home like a six-pack!



These two guys went hunting and were in the Texas wildlands.  One of the
friends got bit in the balls by a rattlesnake.  The other friend says, "I'll
do anything to save your life."  The bitten guy says "Go to a doctor and find
out what to do."  The friend runs all the way back to town and finds a doctor.
"Doc, my friend was bitten by a rattlesnake, what should I do."  The doctor
explains,  "Take a knife and cut an 'X', then suck the poison out."  The buddy
says "Okay" ad runs back to where his friend is.  The injured friend asks
"What did the doctor say." The buddy says, "You're gonna die."



Reminds me of the conference of sexual therapists.  The moderator wanted to
find the frequency they were having sex.  He asked the entire audience to
stand.  Then he asked that everyone who had sex at least once a day to sit
down.  A group of people sat down about 10% of the audience.  Then he asked
those that had sex 5 times a week to sit, another 10% of the audience sat.
Then he asked all those who had sex 3 times a week to sit, about 50% of the
audience sat down.  Then he said twice a week about 10% sat down. Then he said
once a week, a few more sat down. Once a month a few more, twice a year
everyone except one man sat down..... At this time, he asked the man how often
he had sex, he said "Once each Year!"  The moderator then asked him, "If you
have sex, only one time each year, why are you smiling?"

The man answered, "Tonight, is the NIGHT !"



A young woman visiting Houston notice that even though she was going over the
speed limit, cars were passing her as if she was standing still.  Suddenly,
she heard a siren and saw a police officer motioning for her to pull over.
While he waited patiently for her to get out here license, he asked, "Young
lady, do you know why I pulled you over?"

"Yes, sir, she replied with annoyance. You couldnt cantch anyone else."

The officer cracked up, then with a warning to slow down, waved her on.



A woman had joined a diet support group.  Members who gained during the week,
were required to put ten cents per pound in a kitty, which was then awarded to
the person who had lost the most.

After one meeting, my mother in law came home and announced excitedly, "I won
the kitty today!"  Her husband asked how much money did you get?  She replied,
"Eighty Cents."  That is not very much he said.  Well, she replied in an
indignant tone of voice, "It was enough to buy a hot-fudge sundae!"



Steve wanted to qualify for an amatuer golf tournament but was anxiousabout
who would be watching. At the first tee, he was appalled to find a TV crew.
Muttering a prayer, Stever hit the ball 275 yards down the fairway.

Trying to appear nonchalant, a relieved Steve strode off toward his ball.  His
partner ran after him.  "Aren't you going to bring your clubs?" he asked.



When I discovered my first gray hair I immediately wrote to my parents:

Dear Mom and Dad,

You saw my first steps.  You might want to experience this with me too. I
taped the offending hair to the papter and mailed it.

My father's response, titled....

Sonnet to a Hair, began:

 Its a trustworthy observation
 That nothing can compare
 In the process of aging
 With finding the first gray hair....

He signed off with this observation:  "That gray hair you sent, is NOT the
first one you gave us!"



"Please excuse the bumpy landing,"  the pilot announced as our plane taxied
toward L.A. International Airport terminal.  Its not the planes fault, its not
the captains fault; its the asphalt!"



A elementery school teacher tells her class that they will be learning about
the human body.

"The 1st thing we are going to learn about is breast's, can anyone tell me
what breasts are?"

Little Susie speaks up. " I know what breast's are, I have two, one
here and one here and when I grow up they will get bigger."

"Very good Susie, now can anyone tell my what a penis is?"

Little Johnney speaks up.  "I know what it is, I have two, all men have two."

"All men have two?, what makes you say that? "

"All men have two, one is about 3-4 inches long and they go pee with that one,
then they have one about 6-7 inches long that they brush mommy's teeth with!"



The 3rd grade teacher was shocked to find words like 'cock', 'cunt' and
'asshole' scrawled on the blackboard when she walked into the classroom.
"Children", she said sternly, "you are much too young  to use such language
Now we're all going to close our eyes and count to 50...and while we're
counting I want the little boy or girl who wrote those words to tiptoe up and
erase them.

At the signal, the teacher and her students closed their eyes and the teacher
counted out loud, very slowly.  When she reached 50, she said, "Allright,
class everybody open their eyes."

All eyes went to the blackboard.  None of the words had been erased, and below
them was the message:

"Fuck you, teacher...The Phantom strikes again"



A man gets off a plane at Logan Airport in Boston and grabs a taxi.  He asks
the cabbie:"Take me where I can get scrod!".  The cabbie turns off the engine,
peers around at his passenger, and says: "That's amazing!  I have a Ph.D. in
English, and I don't think I've EVER heard anyone use the pluperfect
subjunctive while speaking!"



I was going down the freeway doing about 80, and this motorcycle cop hits his
lights.  I put my foot in it and took off at 100.  After a while, I let off,
and he caught up with me again, so I hit it again and left him doing 130.  I
let up again, and he again caught up with me.  This time, I gave it
everything, and left him doing 180.  After a while, I noticed that he didn't
catch up, and began to worry about him, so I turned around and went back to
where I had left him the last time, only to find him crawling out of a ditch.

I asked the bruised cop what had happened, and he replied:

"Well, that last time you took off, I thought that my bike had quit on me, so
I stepped off!"



New book titles just released:

Antlers In The Treetops (subtitled: Who Goosed The Moose?)

Yellow River by I. P. Freely

Under The Bleachers by Seymour Butts

Race To The Outhouse by Willie Makit and Betty Dont


  An Argentine gaucho named Bruno,
  Said fucking is one thing I do know.
  All women are fine, and sheep are devine,
  But llamas are numero uno.

  There once was a girl named Anheiser,
  Who swore that no man could surprise her.
  Pabst took a chance, found a Shlitz in her pants,
  And now she is sadder Budweiser.

  A Rabbi who lived in Peru,
  Was vainly attempting to screw.
  His wife said,"Oye Vey!  If you keep on this way,
  The Messiah will come before you."



How many cops does it take to push a prisoner down a flight of stairs?

None.  He was'nt pushed, he fell.


Q:  What are the two most common lies in Poland?

A: 1) The check's in your mouth.
   2) I promise I won't come in the mail.



                      Laboratory Analysis Report
                         Homo Sapiens Species
                           Female Specimin


Elememt:
   Woman

Symbol:
   WO

Discovered by:
   Adam

Atomic Weight:
  Average specimin is 118, but there are known isotopes ranging from
  92 to 160, with highly radioactive specimins of 250 and above (avoid
  at all costs).

Occurence
  Surplus quanities in all urban areas.

Chemical Properties:
  1.   Possesses great affinity for gold (Qu), Silver (Ag), Platinum
       (Pt), and several precious and semi-precious stones and
       minerals.
  2.   Capable of consuming huge quantities of xpensive substances.
  3.   May explode spontaineously if not handled with great care.
  4.   Insoluable in liquids, but behavior characteristics are
       noticeably altered by saturation in ethyl alchol.
  5.   Yeilds to pressure if properly applied.

Mental Properties:
  1.   Difficult to ascertain due to the complex nature of the
       thought processes followed by examined specimins.
       a)   Revised testing protocols are under study but
            researchers report that the unique "logic" of these
            specimins make accurate appraisal unlikely.
Physical Propertys:
  1.   Surface generally very smooth, with many interresting
       irregularities, many of which are selectivly covered
       with paints, powders, oils and colored films.
       a)   Avoid those that applu different colored films to each
            fingernail.
       b)   Some specimins exibit a tendency to spred thick
            applications of paint, powders and oils around
            the eyes, resulting in a somewhat frightening appearance.
            NOTE!  Beware of this variety as they are prone to
            cracking and peeling.  The dispersial of flying
            debries and the consequent realization that what you
            see ain't what you get will result.
   2.  Boils at nothing and freezes for no apparent reason.
   3.  Melts if given proper treatment.
   4.  Bitter and dangereous if used incorrectly.
   5.  Found in various states in nature from virgin mettle to common
       ore.
   6.  Selected specimins have a pleasant aroma.
   7.  Warm to hold.  Capable of warming other objects it is held
       close to (at times causing over heating).



                      Labatory Analysis Report
                          Homo Sapiens Species
                            Female Specimin



Uses:
   1.   Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
   2.   Most powerful reducing agent of money known to man.
   3.   Can aid in relaxation.
   4.   Some varietys capable of brightening the day.
   5.   Can be used to stimulate the heart muscles of males.
        a)  UES WITH CAUTION!  Positive and negative results
        have been obtained for a given stimuli, depending on
        variety of specimin.
   6.   Some specimins have been reported to be instrumental
        in the initiating GLOBAL WARFARE.
   7.   Generally adept at social graces.
   8.   Excellent memories for tasks that males generally forget.
   9.   With minimun flattery, it is possible to get varietys
        to perform trivial tasks.

Tests:
   1.   Pure specimins turn a distinctive rosey color if discovered
        in their natural state.
   2.   Specimins turn bright green if placed beside a better
        specimin.
   3.   Becomes coy and elusive when confronted with the truth.

Cautions:
   1.   Highly dangereous in inexperienced hands.
   2.   Illegal to posess more than one permanent specimin,
        in spite of the fact that some specimins can and do
        obtain more than one of the male gender, and then lie about it.
   3.   Terrible drivers.
   4.   Known to render telephones into melted slag.
   5.   Ineffective communicators. Generally known to give subtle
        "hints" and expect others to guess at their intended meanings.
        Rarely attempt honest, straightforeward discussions.
   6.   Affinity for rolling pins.



A guy walked into the bathroom to take a piss.  And when he was doing that the
man in the next stall looked over and saw a $100 dollar bill tatooed on the
other guy's dick.  And he asked him why.  The other guy replied 'For three
reasons:'
1) I like to play with my money.
2) I like to watch my money grow.
3) My wife can blow it without going shopping!



Two lawyers are talk at a cocktail part and one says "I've been doing
terrible.  Haven't had a case all week."  The second one says "I just got a
new case this week."  The first says "Oh yeah, is he rich?"  The second one
says "He was."



A young man wished to purchase a present for his sweetheart and after careful
consideration,  he decided on a pair of gloves.  Accompanied by his
sweetheart's sister, he went to a department store and bought a pair of white
gloves.  The sister bought a pair of panties for herself.  During the
wrapping, the items got mixed up.  The sister got the gloves and the
sweetheart got the panties.  Without checking the contents,  he sealed the
package and sent it to her with this note.

Dear Darling,
This is a gift to show you I have not forgotten your birthday. I chose these
because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out
in the evening.  If it had not been for your younger sister, I would have
chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones  that are
very easy to remove.  These are a delicate shade,  but the lady I bought them
from showed me a pair she had been wearing for three weeks that were not
to badly soiled.  I had the sales girl try them on and she really looked
smart. I wish I could put them on you for the first time.  No doubt other
men's hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you
again.  When you take them off, blow in them before putting them away as they
will naturally be  a little damp from wearing.  Be sure to keep them on when
you clean them or they might shrink.  I hope you will like them and will wear
them for me on Friday night.
All my love,

P.S. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. Also,
the latest style is to wear them folded down with the fur showing.



Can Jane Seymour, with glasses?


Cross a monastery with a lion, and get a roaring friar place.


Cross a potato, with a magician and get, a prestidigi-tater.


Cross a juke box with a tavern and get,  rythm and brews....


At the beach, there were waves belly-flopping their way toward shore.


And Foam was sizzling on the sand like a warm cola poured over crushed ice.


While wind-tossed sail boats were delivering their sail's pitch.....



Speaking of condoms, did you know that one of the major tire companies started
in the business by making condoms?  They packaged them in boxes of 365 and
called them good years.



Q. Whats Woody Woodpecker's girlfriends name?

A. Suzi Splintercunt!


What's the difference between a pussy and a cunt?

A pussy is something to have fun with, and a cunt is the one that owns it.



Why doesn't the Pope like to look down whilst peeing?

He hates to see the unemployed.


This woman had gone out for a round of golf. When she was done, she came
storming into the pro shop.  "What's wrong?", asked the golf pro. "Well, I was
out on the course and got stung by a wasp between the first and second hole!"

"Lady, the only advice I can give you is to tighten up your stance!"



They put up a sign that says "Road Construction", and proceed to tear road
apart!  [false advertising]



What's yellow, and sleeps six?

A Department of Transportation truck.


What's the difference between kinky and perverted?
Kinky is using a feather
Perverted is using the whole chicken.

The other day, while driving down a country road off in the middle of nowhere,
it was pouring down rain amd just about dark when my car died on me.  Well, I
tried to get it to run again but it just wouldn't start.  I could see a light
a few hundred yards away, and so I began running through the rain to the house
with a light on.  I knocked on the door but no one answered.  I could see the
light on in a window, so I went around to the side and looked in.  I saw an
old woman in there naked and playing with her tits, and an old man jacking off
holding an umbrella.  I decided to stay far away from them, they must be
crazy.  I began walking, and about a mile later I came upon another house.  I
knocked on the door, and when a lady answered, I asked if I could use her
phone to call the AAA.  She invited me in, and after calling the AAA for a tow
truck, the lady asked me what was the matter.  I told her my car was dead just
over a mile up the road, and she asked me why I didn't stop at her neighbors
and use their phone?  I said those folks must be crazy, I wouldn't go in
there!  She asked why I thought that, so I told her what I had seen.  She
thought a minute and burst out laughing.....  I asked her what was so funny,
and she chuckled and said "You don't understand, those people weren't crazy,
the are deaf!  The woman is saying 'Go milk the cow' and the man is saying
'Fuck you, it's raining!'".



Two Vietnamese people immigrated to the United States, and upon getting off
the plane at a small airport, the first thing they saw was a Hot Dog vendor
selling Hot Dogs.  One looked to the other and said "Look!  They eat dogs
here, too!!!"  The other said "Let's go get some!"  They went and purchased
one Hot Dog apiece, and looked at them puzzled....  Finally, one of them
opened the Hot Dog Bun up, looked, and closed it up.  He then whispered to his
buddy "Hey, friend!  What part of the dog did YOU get?"



Roxanne Gravel
Barb Wire
Justin Case
Paul Bearer
Marian Haste
Ruth Less
Moira Less
Sherry D. Kanter
Marcia Law
Maude Lynne
Minnie Skewel
Minnie Appolis
Carla Doctor
Robin Banks
Sandy Nista
Esther Luego
Patty O'Furniture
Helen Highwater
Harry Storer
Shawn Tell
Helena Handbasket
Rosie Scenario
Hugh Calyptus
Natalie Attired
Vera Similitude
Ben Dover
Anne O'Rexia
Jerry Atric
General Mayhem
Phil Erupp
Peg Board
Eunice X
Nick Aragua
Walter Wall (carpet salesman)
Lance Boils
Barbara Seville
Mei-Ling Liszt
Sunny & Nutso Cold
Lorenzo Forabia
Ommo Panchefesian (Armenian tough-guy)
Mahatma Coat
Bill Klecter
Herb Avore
Dawn & Brad Street
Neil Down
Wanda Wye
O. Howard Hertz
Orville Payne
Archer Service
Izzy Furriel
Isadora Jarre
Noah Count
Ray Zdarouf
Meg Lomania
Mindy Yarmy
Hiram Gooden Cheep
Aurora Greasepaint
Rudy Wakening
Amanda Lynne Case
Isabelle Ringing



How many blacks does it take to tar a roof?
  A dozen, if ya slice 'em thin enough.


Why do blacks stink?
  So that blind people can hate them too.


How do you say 'fuck you' in Los Angeles?
  "Trust me"


The polish girl that wanted to trade her menstrual cycle for a Honda.


The Pole who lost $50 on the Football game?
$25 on the game and $25 on the instant replay.